The Mourning After

There was a sense of mourning by the other horses, especially Sunday, who hung her head low and now barely comes out of the barn. The barnyard is so quiet. There is no horse hanging her head out the window as I return home from work; there is no horse whinnying as my boots click up the road. Even Jebo, Worth’s dog that came from Scout’s one and only litter, seemed to mourn after my girl. When we brought her home to bury her, Jebo jumped up on the trailer and stayed by her side until we lowered her into her grave. Even after the last scoop of dirt, Jebo remained on her grave for over an hour. He had a unique sense and appreciation of the horse’s death that the other dogs did not demonstrate, and I thought that was pretty cool.

Shadow. If you look up the definition in a dictionary, you’ll find “inseparable companion”, along with “protection” as well as “foreshadowing”. Each term is fitting to the personality of this precious horse. She was her mother’s inseparable companion and protector. I’ve heard people say that perhaps she was killed to prevent a future accident with me or someone else, indicating the foreshadowing aspect of her name. Only the Lord knows why she was taken so harshly from me. I just thank Him for the opportunity to have a few hours alone with her a few days before her death, and the urge He gave to me to kiss her and love her one more time the last night I saw her. He knew eight years ago when Danny said that “she may be a good little horse for Rhonda one day” that she would inevitably break my heart. I don’t know what makes one a cowgirl…staying on during a ride like the last one she gave me, or just having your heart broken over a horse. I wonder if I’m worthy of that white cowgirl suit with white leather boots now.

It’s the bright, blue-skied days that make me miss her the most. The days where I long to be on her back exploring the beauty of the area in which I live. The days where I look out to the pasture to see her grazing, keeping an eye on me at the house. The void of her absence fills my heart and it is so hard to shake. We plan to get other horses, but she was my first love and can never be matched or replaced. I will cherish my time and memories with her, for that is all I have left. And although the pain of losing her is still immense, I know time will make it better. I would rather deal with this heartache than to never have had the chance to love and be loved by her. We were friends, dependent upon each other for many reasons. She was a gift to me I am so very thankful for, a precious part of my life that I will carry through my journey to the end.